Author: Dr. Ashley Houchin

Parenting is hard work. We know you want the best for your family. We get many questions from parents asking how they can be most helpful to their kids and our answer is to build a healthy relationship with your child. How do we build healthy relationships? Here are four of our favorite and most referenced suggestions that we would propose you keep in-mind.

1) Regulate, Regulate, Regulate

As a parent, one of your top jobs is to regulate your child. This means that when your child is throwing a tantrum,  you strive to be a calm, strong presence. This may mean being there to rub his back, reflect her feelings and assure her that you can solve the problem together. This doesn’t mean that your kids should never throw a tantrum or that their bouts of upset are easy to regulate. It means that when those upset and big feelings come over your child, you can be there to help them through it. This process of helping your child to regulate their big feelings is how we build healthy bonds (a.k.a. attachment) in relationships.

For Example: Imagine you are complaining to your partner or coworker about a stressful interpersonal situation at work. If the person were to respond with, “get over it”, you might continue to feel stressed. If the person were to respond with, “That is a difficult situation to navigate. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. Can I do anything to help you out today?” you might feel like you could take a deep breath and continue on with your day, a little less stressed. This scenario is analogous to regulating your child. Our children are developing their ability to independently regulate their big feelings and they need us to assist them in getting regulated so that they can proceed with their day and learn how to bounce back from stress and strain.

2) Connect, Then Redirect     (The Whole Brain Child)

One helpful tip is to connect with your child before you redirect them or try to find a solution for their upset. When we connect, even as adults, it calms our brain and helps us to feel understood. Consider the partner/coworker example outlined previously. When someone empathizes with us or connects with our perspective and our emotional experience, we feel understood and we feel our feelings less intensely.

For Example: You offer your child a snack (apple slices) and they suddenly drop to their knees, begin to cry loudly, and throw the snack next to them where it scatters all over your recently cleaned floor.

Step 1: Take a deep breath and let go of your upset. Your child’s behavior is communicating their inability to cope with this situation. They can’t communicate their needs to you, however illogical their upset can sometimes seem, and it’s your role as a parent to help them regulate their big feelings so that they can communicate more clearly.

Step 2: Either get down on their level or scoop them up. Reflect their feelings, “Oh goodness, something is wrong, you are showing me this was very upsetting.”

Step 3: Connect by soothing your child. Sit next to them, hold them, or rub their back until they calm down. You can even take deep breaths with them, letting go of your own overwhelmed feelings and enjoying your time in connection.

Step 4: When everyone is calm enough you can process what happened.

Parent:    “Now tell me what went wrong.”

Child:      “I don’t like that apple snack. I wanted the M&M’s.”

Parent:    “I see. You don’t like the apple and you want the M&M’s. I’m so sorry I didn’t hear you before. I understand that you want the M&M snack but I don’t have any right now. We will have to eat the apple snack I gave you.”

Child:      “I want the M&M snack.” Sniffles.

Parent:    “I know. I hear that you want the M&M snack. I don’t have that one. It’s all gone. Can I help you pick-up these apple slices and eat this snack today?”

Child:      “Ya, okay. But can we get the M&M snack tomorrow?”

Of course, your child’s tantrum may not resolve this quickly. You may have to spend several minutes labeling your child’s feelings or consoling them. Once the child is clam you can explain their choices, help them to problem solve, or redirect their behavior more easily.

Step 5: Congratulate yourself on a job well done! Way to stick with it, even in the difficult moments! You have helped your child to feel heard and understood in a time when she felt overwhelmed by big feelings. Every time you help him to regulate you are building healthy connections in his brain so that he knows you are available when he invariably needs help in the future – short and long-term. As your child develops, their ability to communicate their needs more clearly will also continue to improve and they will learn to trust that you are willing and able to help them when they need it most.

3) Time-Out is for Parents, Time-In is for Kids   (Circle of Security™ Training)

Just as we described in the section on Connect, Then Redirect above, helping to regulate your child is one of your main roles as the caring adult in your child’s life. Kids need us to be close to them so that they can regulate their big feelings in difficult moments. Often, parents are the ones who need a little space to calm down before they yell or request that the child “stop it” or “pull it together” on their own. It’s totally normal and encouraged that you take a time-out as a parent if you think you need it. Be sure to connect before you redirect and after you are cooled off. This can also teach your kids healthy ways to step away to re-group, coming back with greater reserves.

4) 20% Of The Time

We understand parenting isn’t always ever easy. It’s a relentless and often underappreciated job that often wears on parents’ patience, making it difficult to feel like we can be a regulating source for our kids. The good news is that research has revealed you only need to get it “right” 20-percent of the time to have a secure relationship with your child. This means that if you can be a regulating source for your child 20-percent of the time, they will feel that you are a reliable source for comfort and support in their life. Of course, the more we strive to connect and regulate, the stronger these connections develop. So, it’s important not to be too hard on ourselves as we strive to bring connection and patience to our parenting.

We hope these concepts are helpful. If you’d like to understand more about this approach to parenting, contact us today. We offer parent consultations, Circle of Security™ support groups, and workshops to provide assistance and support around various aspects of parenting. If you would like to be notified of upcoming workshops or events, subscribe to our newsletter below!

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