Rewarding Good Behavior: The Dangers of Incentive-Based Parenting

 In Child, Parenting

Author: Dr. Ryan Holley

How does it happen?

Have you ever offered your child a reward so they would behave, bribed them so they would finish their vegetables at dinner, or maybe even promised an extra hour of screen-time if they would just go to their doctor’s appointment without having a complete meltdown? If you have engaged in any of these negotiating tactics with your children, you are not alone.

As a clinical psychologist, I often meet with parents who are looking for some sort of reward system that might help to improve their child’s behavior at home. While incentive-based parenting can be a quick fix, research clearly indicates that it is not the best way to manage behavior over time.

Incentive-Based Parenting

All of these examples illustrate what is commonly known as, “Operant Conditioning.” You might be thinking to yourself, “Operant what?” Anyone who has taken a Psychology 101 course in high school, or searched for behavioral change strategies online, has likely heard of this term before. Operant Conditioning is a concept that is commonly associated with something called, “Learning Theory.” Its rationale is pretty simple. If you reward a specific behavior, then that behavior will increase. Seems like a great system, right? Not quite.

Reward-based behavior systems have been used to train animals and human-beings alike, and as one might expect, they work well, for a short period of time…

The Problem

Incentive-based parenting teaches children that displaying a valued behavior will always lead to some sort of prize in the end. This becomes a problem over time, because your child may start asking you, “What will you give me for it?” or “What’s in it for me?” after you ask them a simple request. With this in mind, you can begin to see how asking your child to take out the garbage might quickly devolve into the home edition of “Deal or No Deal.” As you might expect, such a process can be pretty exhausting and frustrating, for everyone involved.

Another problem with incentive-based parenting is that children often do not develop the internal motivation needed to maintain behaviors when the reward is not being offered. For example, if you reward your child every time they receive an “A” on a test, their desire to learn will be contingent on receiving a prize. As result, it becomes very difficult for them to develop an appreciation for learning itself, and the internal motivation to do so. Possessing internal motivation is necessary to overcome most challenging life circumstances, especially when immediate gratification is not possible.

What the Research Says

Many studies have been completed in an attempt to understand the usefulness of incentive-based parenting systems. Although rewards are found to be a powerful motivator, research has indicated that reliance on immediate rewards tends to impact various aspects of development.  In addition to hindering the development of internal motivation as mentioned above, the development of a strong sense of morality and empathy can also be undermined when a prize always follows good behavior. As a result, some type of balance is needed when deciding how to parent your children. While it is okay to reward some behaviors, others are best taught over time and within the context of a supportive parent-child relationship.

This doesn’t mean that rewards should never be used!

When deciding to use a reward system to improve your child’s behavior, it is important to be thoughtful about how these rewards are being applied. If you’re attempting to help your child learn something that will likely benefit them for many years, rewards are not a good incentive. For example, rewarding your child every time they are kind to those around them. Doing so is likely to decrease their own internal motivation to have compassion for others, unless a reward is present. In contrast, if you provide a reward every time your child shovels the driveway following a winter storm, an incentive might be helpful since rewards are effective in the short-term.

What is a parent to do?

As a parent, you have the right to decide when and where to use rewards with your child. Using a reward every so often is not likely to be a problem. In fact, using incentives appropriately, can be quite helpful and research supports this. It is when parents become overly dependent on incentivizing good behavior in their children, that problems begin to occur.

Like most meaningful life experiences, being a parent is complicated. You already know this. There is not one specific approach to parenting that is guaranteed to work every time. If so, you would not be reading this blog right now. It is really your ability to adjust and to develop a balanced approach to parenting that is going to strengthen your relationship with your child over time.

Keep in mind that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Missteps are inevitable. The best we can hope for, is to be good enough, most of the time.

Shared Vision’s Resources

Parent Consultation Services
Looking for support pertaining to parenting difficulties? Shared Vision offers Parent Consultation Services that can help. You can meet on a short-term or long term basis with a Licensed Clinical Psychologist that specializes in parenting and child development. During individual sessions you will have the opportunity to talk through any and all challenges that you might be experiencing. Click here for more information.

Parenting Groups
Shared Vision also offers weekly parenting groups that provide a space for parents to discuss the trials and tribulations that arise at home. These groups are an opportunity for parents to support each other, feel understood, and collaboratively discuss alternative approaches to managing difficulties experienced while parenting. Click here for more information.

Recent Posts