Author: Dr. Meghan Pasha

The idea of “fighting fair” has long been a topic that comes up with those wanting more peace or closeness in their relationships. This idea, along with recommendations and advice, surrounds us in pop culture – from magazine articles, how-to books, and even in the business world, we hear of tricks and tools to both use in conflict and avoid conflict altogether.

The truth is that happy couples fight, and fairness is far from their awareness as they do.

Some have likened the idea of using tools to “fight fair” in the midst of an argument to finding the instructions for your parachute as you are free falling. It isn’t possible. You are in the throes of one of the most dangerous situations of all – potential hurt and maybe even loss of your partner or his/her love. We are wired to need this and to do everything in our power to stay in connection with those we love – even when we may be yelling until we are red in the face.

Many strive to “stay calm,” “use reasoning,” or “communicate clearly” in conflict with their partner. While easy to say, these things are nearly impossible when we are angry because these actions are seated in our cortex, which is offline when we are activated. Even in the event of an argument over a small task or chore, these strategies are not effective because the emotion under this argument is not often related to the chore, but is rooted in the most important questions in a partnership, “Are you there for me?” and “Do I matter to you?”

When couples come in to therapy looking for tools and tricks to fight fair, they are most surprised by what happens when they let go of learning how to use tools or strategies during an argument, and instead embrace their feelings in the moment and learn to heal with their partners.

1. Reach for your partner

The healthiest of couples can express their disagreement, disappointment, and pain. They come to the relationship and let their partners know what goes on for them inside. Over time, however, the way this is done can become entangled and entrenched in anger, criticism, and even shutting down. In the midst of an argument, these behaviors are often learned and protective in nature. We all have an ingrained blueprint that dictates how we behave in these moments in a relationship. Following the argument, healing starts with finding courage and taking the risk to reach for your partner. This creates the space to let each other know what is going on inside – both in the moment and during the argument.

2. Soothe and comfort hurt feelings

With risk comes reward. Partners that know how to heal after conflict create opportunities to apologize and soothe the hurts that came from their protective strategies. They can acknowledge intention and even share some of the tender things that may have been happening in the moments they were seeing red.

3. Create safety again

These three steps create a conversation that is imperative in both the long term and short term. Couples who take the risk to reach for each other and soothe hurt feelings will feel seen and heard in the present, but more importantly, will often feel closer and more connected than they did before the fight. By expressing themselves in conflict and coming back together to repair, couples are more likely to trust that they can, not only get through fights, but feel less threat and danger when conflict comes again.

 

Couples therapy is a space to build awareness around the cycle that exists in your own  relationship or marriage leaving you feeling distant, disconnected, or consistently hurt. More importantly, couples therapy then guides you in healing the broken bonds and helps to restructure new ways of connecting. For more information or to set up an appointment, please call Dr. Meghan Pasha at 630.571.5750 ext. 247 or complete our online inquiry form.