Author: Dr. Kristin Condon

I’m writing this after a particularly frenzied mama morning, hustling my family out the door with our usual host of on-time arrival hurdles and preschool power struggles common to life with little ones. Some moments are just tough, especially when your child is struggling to keep it together and your patience is wearing thin.

Parenting is one of the most glorious and joyful experiences life can deliver. And, even when we operate with the steadiest intentions to do the very best for our kids, it can be incredibly (and sometimes even comically) challenging. Even when we are reminded that kids are not just miniature adults, dealing with a preschooler who wants charge of seemingly silly, small decisions, refuses and then demands extra help, or acts impulsively or aggressively, it can be tough to stay grounded as a parent. Layered on top of our kids’ developmental immaturity lies all the unique sensitivities we bring to parenting that make certain exchanges particularly triggering.

We all fall apart sometimes and respond to our kids off-balance. Those aren’t proud moments, just honest ones. And, I’ve learned parenting is chalk-full of those – honest moments that don’t always go as we plan or unfold as delicate as we imagine. But, if we can be honest about the real struggle in it all and reminded about the powerful developmental waves our kids are riding, I think there’s some bold, genuine intention we can bring to the invaluable work we do in loving our kids.

What we know from developmental research is that our efforts to get things “right” – to help our kids with patience, teach them to handle the world with care, develop their abilities to bounce back from stress, and nurture their exploration and learning while knowing when to lean in for support – really matter. Healthy development and security in future relationships are not the result of “perfect” parenting. These outcomes develop when caregivers strive to understand, anticipate, and deliver what kids need with real dedication, awareness of their own vulnerabilities, and willingness to repair the inevitable ruptures that occur when the often wonky balance of parenting tilts too hard in an unhelpful direction.

Let’s explore some ways to do this when your kid flops to the floor at the grocery store or invites you into what seems like an inevitable power struggle around every corner:

1. Tee things up for success.

You know your kids and their limits best. If you’ve had a long morning, dragging them through a pre-nap Target run is a likely recipe for disaster. If your little one seems bogged down by too many developmental stretches at once, focus on providing a stronger balance of routine, predictability, and time to decompress as a family. Keep novel events where you have concern about your child’s ability to manage things well on a timeline and prepare a possible exit strategy. Kids build strength on repeated success that only come when they are surrounded by adults that understand their limits and early warning signs of reaching maximum capacity. Some adults get this, and others will be disappointed at your late arrival or early departure at gatherings or events. Keeping your kid on track as best you can in the storminess of some developmental stretches is ultimately more important than the social fallout from altered plans or the abandoned grocery run.

2. Recognize your own activated emotions.

If you feel your stress or anger escalate, recognize it. Step away and do what you need to calm down. Nothing fruitful happens when everyone’s resources are overwhelmed. And, while we often feel a pressure not to pause in our parenting, if we are unsteady or out of control, it’s best to recognize that and model for our kids how to cool down and come back to something that needs de-escalation before resolution. Kids learn from our control and kindness, not our reactivity. As Janet Lansbury, author of “No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline without Shame,” says in her recent blog, “Our child needs to know we are not nervous about his behavior or ambivalent about establishing rules. He finds comfort when we are effortlessly in charge.”

3. Focus on what your child is communicating.

Difficult behavior, meltdowns, or power struggles are warning flags and a communication of something larger. Sometimes, it is the simplicity of recognizing they are tired, they have not eaten in a while, or a fever is brewing. Other times, intense reactions are the result of periods in development when kids are just stretched too thin, growing in so many ways, so quickly and complexly. Kids routinely experience strong emotions that greatly overpower their limited cognitive resources. Honestly, many adults struggle to manage stress well. We cannot expect little ones with still rapidly changing and maturing brains to bring more resources to the table than they can developmentally muster. In their book No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, authors Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., talk about first ruling out four obstacles to learning readiness by asking, “ Is my child hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?” Then, look beyond the content of the tantrum or upset and consider the larger trigger. Throwing herself on the storeroom floor when you say no to a candy bar is often less about the chocolate and more about her immature frustration tolerance and the constant emotional gymnastics she’s managing while learning that limits exist beyond her control or influence. Focusing on the larger process can strengthen your patience and keep everyone from unnecessarily locking horns.

4. Differentiate real teachable moments.

The short answer is the teachable moment often occurs long after the intensity of the current stressor. But, it’s important to come back and tell the story of what happened, explore why things unfolded poorly, be accountable to our own missteps, and discuss how things can go easier next time. Helping your kids tell the story strengthens their ability to take perspective from other people’s vantage points and exercise greater empathy and mindful execution of choices in the future.

5. Honor feelings without empowering struggle.

We often pressure kids through difficult feelings to get to compliance in ways that only enhance struggle. It’s healthy for kids to learn to tolerate a range of feelings, including ones that cause dysregulation and poor decision-making. This might involve reassuring your little one, “You feel frustrated, but hitting is never safe,” or, “You’re angry, but we still have to XYZ. What could help?” Kids need to learn that we can tolerate, understand, and contain the difficult feelings they’re flailing to manage for themselves. Often, it’s vital that the overwhelm and upset get expressed rather than go underground. But, kids are closed off to teachable moments when they are stuck in a heightened state of upset. As suggested in the recent blog How To Discipline Your Kids Without Hysterics (From Them Or You) by Fatherly, “Immediately following an incident of misbehavior, make physical contact. Rather than standing over your kid and waving a finger, kneel down to their level, hold their shoulders or rub their back.”

6. Know and teach your family’s absolutes.

Come up with a list or a song of your family’s rules about expected behaviors, and set consistent natural consequences for when those inevitable missteps occur. Rather than simply creating a list of prohibited behaviors, think of this as a chance to honor what everyone in your family deserves, such as safety, respect, or second chances.

7. Model self-forgiveness.

We all lose it sometimes. It’s human. Find ways to understand and forgive your tough moments and turn the page to make yourself available to a better next one. Show your child that we can get through difficult struggles and also reconnect and move on together. The frustration of a situation does not have to persist throughout the morning, and teaching this strengthens your child’s ability to tolerate and persevere through frustration with a building trust that you will get through the tough times. If we struggle to turn the page and forgive bouts of challenge, resentment builds, and our parenting choices are driven out of unresolved anger rather than our clear intentions.

8. Get help.

We’re all in this together, raising our kids to be in community with one another. Lean on help when things get difficult. Find other parents who can be open and honest about the struggles in it all. Recognize and say mercy when your parenting or family is stuck in an unhealthy, unchanging dynamic. We’ve all been there in one way or another, and simply repeating the same struggles or putting our heads in the sand never truly honors or course corrects the real issues at the core of what’s upside down between us and our kids.

9. Keep perspective.

The challenges of today are not ever-lasting. And, while new, likely equally complex challenges await, the good news is we get stronger the more we figure out a healthy rhythm and better self-awareness in our parenting.

Honestly, I wish learning to keep your cool when your kid’s losing it was as simple as reading a blog. But, the good news is that helping parents sort out this very challenge is a specialty we offer at SVPS. Contact us today if you’d like to find more harmony and enjoyment in your parenting and click here to check out our Parent Consultation services.