Author: Dr. Meghan Pasha

Whether you are fostering a new romantic relationship or have been committed to your partner for decades, taking a few moments to tune into each other and build more awareness of your emotional worlds can help to deepen connection and foster more security. Even just a few pointed conversations can have a profound impact on your relationship.

Prior to engaging in these dialogues, it is beneficial to do a brief check-in with yourself to assess how safe you feel. While it is incredibly common for couples to have negative cycles around conflict or feel angry and distant at times – in quiet or peaceful moments can you share openly with your partner without feeling fearful or triggered? Can your partner be accessible? Can your partner be responsive? If so, these conversations can help you to build awareness and ultimately help feel closer to each other.

Explore the way you dance in conflict

Couples develop patterns over time leading to predictable reactions, roles, and behaviors in their relationship. These patterns also determine the way a couple dances together in conflict. The more insight you have into your dance, the easier it is to interrupt the patterns and try a new way of relating. To explore this dance, brainstorm together about these interactions on a broad level, or take a recent argument as an example, and reflect on the following questions:

1. What happens in arguments?
2. How does each of you feel it starts?
3. How do you interpret your partner’s behavior in the moment?
4. How do you feel as a consequence?
5. How does it end?

Share more about your blueprint

The way we learn to dance with our partners in large part comes from how we learned emotions and how to be in the world. This foundation, or blueprint, can help as a roadmap in learning what goes on for each partner in difficult interactions and can guide the couple into healthier or more flexible interactions. It is important to hold in mind that everyone’s emotional blueprint is different and one does not take precedence over the other in the relationship. The hope in sharing these experiences is to simply learn more about what goes on for yourself and your partner in moments of distress. To share and learn more about your relationship blueprint, think together about the following questions:

1. In your earlier life, how did you learn what to do with fear? Sadness? Loneliness?
2. What did you see others do with these feelings?
3. Do you have experience with sharing these emotions with someone safe?
4. If so, with you – who did you turn to?
5. If not, what did you do instead?

Understand comfort in your relationship

With an understanding of the emotional blueprints that are coming together, comfort is crucial in romantic relationships. When couples have an awareness about what they need in difficult moments and also what their partner needs, arguments and/or stressful situations can actually create increased closeness and a stronger bond with comfort. Similar to the emotional blueprint, each partner brings a unique experience of asking for and receiving comfort from the world. Because of this, you and your partner may need something entirely different from one another to feel comforted. Open a dialogue about comfort to learn more from one another with these prompts:

1. What has comfort looked like in the past for you?
2. What does comfort look like now?
3. What feels best to you when you are stressed or disappointed?
4. How can I be there for you in these moments?
5. What do you need from me after we argue?

If these conversations feel unsafe in your relationship and/or you are needing more support to engage in these connection-building dialogues, couples therapy may be beneficial for you. Please contact us today to get started.