5 Guidelines for Talking to Children About Separation & Divorce
Author: Dr. Sari Rosenberg
As a clinic that provides therapeutic services across the lifespan, we often find that many of the individuals and families who seek our support struggle with difficulties related to marital distress within the home environment. The prevalence of these difficulties is reflected across the country. According to the most recent National Survey of Family Growth, over 20% of first marriages end in divorce within five years, and that this percentage hovers just under 50% by the 20-year marital threshold (https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg/key_statistics.htm).
When children are in a family facing separation or divorce, conversations around the topic can be challenging and add another layer of distress to an already difficult time. It is important when having these conversations to understand the impact they can have on your child as well as the importance of being mindful and attuned to their reactions and needs. Vikki Stark, M.S.W., M.F.T. masterfully describes this phenomenon, “For some children, news of their parents’ upcoming separation constitutes an actual physical trauma. Time slows, the world feels unreal and their bodies go into shock. This is important because we know how to prevent and treat shock, so armed with that knowledge, parents can recognize the signs and react quickly.” She adds, “It’s necessary to bring the child along very gradually to an integration of the fact that things are going to change…Parents can learn how to be attuned to their child’s emotional state and respond appropriately. What creates trauma is a sense of isolation. What counters it is a feeling of being connected” (The Divorce Talk: How to Tell the Kids).
Below are some essential guidelines to consider when approaching this very challenging subject with your children:
1. Kids need to be in the know:
It is crucial for children to be provided with a general sense of the changes that will be happening within their family unit, clear expectations regarding significant transitions they can anticipate, and ongoing opportunities to talk about their emotional experiences. Typically, it’s ideal to provide children with at least a few weeks’ notice prior to any substantial changes taking place, such as a parent moving out of the family’s home, and that parents are in agreement around when and how their children will be informed. Take care to provide concrete details about plans for change as they become solidified, including what will be the same and what will be different (e.g. who will live where and when, what moves will take place, how shared celebrations will be handled), and offer as much reassurance as possible about the consistency with which they’ll see each parent. Sharing news of a pending separation/divorce at the start of a weekend or extended time off can provide a helpful period for families to be together in the initial phase of this conversation, without the intrusion of school, work, and other daily tasks that may otherwise limit open communication as this sensitive process begins to unfold.
2. Keep the focus on co-parenting and the future:
While inevitably complicated, it is always encouraged for parents to share this news with children together – with a mutual, simple story and collaborative approach towards supporting the family’s movement forward. While each partner’s narrative may vary greatly from the other, it is essential to avoid placing blame or negatively speaking about one another – from the outset of breaking the news to young ones and ongoing. Be honest while sticking to the basics, so that the information is as digestible, shared, and kind as possible. “When we involve (children) in our torrid, angst-driven, personal affairs we undermine our relationships with them and with the other parent. We also harm their ability to function well. It seems that the less we expose our children to all of the details of our relationship breakdown, the better they do,” (https://www.kidspot.com.au/health/ask-the-expert/ask-dr-justin).
Rather than opening up avenues that could potentially expose prior transgressions, whose decision it was to end the marriage, particular tensions that have unfolded, and so on, it can help greatly to keep discussions focused towards the future. This will help to steady the family unit as much as possible as it approaches transition. And, if working together proves too great a challenge, consider involving a professional that can help to facilitate an adaptive co-parenting initiative as a necessary support for the family.
3. Ensure they know the fault and responsibility are not theirs:
Children are quick to assume they have done something that has caused the rift between their parents, as well as to believe that they can somehow make everything okay. It is imperative to let children know that the changes happening are not their fault – that it is not possible for anything they could ever say or do could cause such an event to happen – and that it is their parents’ job to sort out how to make the situation better for everyone. Likewise, it is vital for parents to help children avoid falling into a position of choosing sides – regardless of the areas upon which parents may disagree – by modeling respect, healthy communication, and collaboration as consistently as possible. And, it always helps to be explicit that while the family structure is shifting, the love that parents have for their children will remain constant and unconditional.
4. Normalize all the feelings and seek appropriate supports:
As there are endless emotional reactions that may arise when children learn their parents are parting ways, any and every feeling that surfaces should be acknowledged, understood, and supported. And, children will need a space to talk about how they are experiencing things, even when they suggest they are “fine” or try to resist doing so (in fact, these are typical markers that a child is experiencing distressing feelings, but wants to avoid sharing them). While it is critical for parents to make themselves available to talk with their children throughout the separation/divorce process and beyond, it can be equally valuable for kids to have important others to rely upon for emotional comfort – including but not limited to teachers, counselors, close friends, and other family members – and, these additional caring hands can serve as supports for parents to lean into, as well. Parents should be as selective as they’d like when beginning to disclose their sensitive news to others. Additionally, providing some advance notice to those that their kids may be most at ease in sharing with can be useful, so that those individuals can thoughtfully notice how the child is doing, while avoiding pressing for information or raising the topic before the child is ready. Encouraging children to talk with trusted others, and modeling the same so that kids are assured their feelings and experiences do not need to be kept secret, is always of great benefit. Steadily checking in to facilitate conversations about how children are feeling about the changes that are unfolding, anything they may be worried or have questions about, as well as how the other things in their lives are going, is paramount to their overall emotional health and the maintenance of positive relationships.
5. Tend to your own emotional well-being:
It is absolutely expected that parents will be navigating their own emotional roller-coaster during this trying time, including when having these conversations with their kids. While it’s very important for parents to steady themselves when stepping into these discussions, allowing children to witness one’s own range of difficult feelings can help to serve as an adaptive model for emotional expression that encourages them to lean into others for support. Likewise, parents having their own personal and professional resources to assist with the emotional coping process, and allowing this to be transparent, naturally normalizes the importance of children doing the same.
To learn more about how to address concerns related to navigating separation and divorce, reach out to us today. We provide a variety of services for individual children, adolescents, adults, as well as couples and whole families in anticipation of, during, and beyond periods of such significant transition while supporting related adjustment needs. Should you be in need of or interested in contact information for mediators or attorneys that can provide additional assistance, feel welcome to contact your clinician for local area referral resources.
Shared Vision Resources:
Individual, Couples, and Family Therapy
Parent Consultation Services
Related References & Resources:
https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/healthy-divorce.aspx
https://lisaherrick.com/separation-and-divorce-work/guide-to-telling-the-children-about-the-divorce/
