Author: Dr. Megan Oliverio

Dependence is often seen as a bad word and associated with being “needy” or emotionally unstable. However, research on what really helps people become happy, successful, and even independent, shows us that a strong dependable connection is key.

A common message in today’s world tells us that we only need a self-confident drive to succeed and with that our individual achievement is guaranteed. We place a high value on independence, view depending on others as a weakness, and say things like “you have to love yourself first for others to love you.” Unfortunately, we’ve seen this message lend itself to experiences of loneliness and disconnection, rather than security and connection.

People blossom when they feel loved; they are happier and, ironically, more independent and successful. Having a strong connection we can depend on in our close relationships is healthy and helps us flourish as individuals.

Attachment

Attachment is the psychological term for the bond between children and their significant caregivers. Children experience secure attachment when they feel loved and safe because their needs are attended to. On the other hand, children experience insecure attachment when exercising their needs creates vulnerability because they are not responded to effectively. Unsurprisingly, the same bond between parents and children applies to adult relationships, because we never grow out of needing safety and support.

We do much better as humans when we have someone to positively answer the question: Are you there for me? Can I count on you? In fact, relationships that have the ability to turn toward each other, open up, tune in to each other, and be responsive creates emotional safety and secure attachment.

This mode of relating, even for individuals who come from securely attached childhoods can take effort and practice. The good news is that this attachment can be developed within a relationship even if one or both of the partners are insecurely attached to start with.

Resilience

Having a secure bond with another adult makes us increasingly resilient to stress. In fact, studies of married couples have shown that the presence of one’s partner can significantly reduce the effect of threat and danger. In a 2006 study in the journal Psychological Science, partners were placed in a brain scanner and told they would experience a shock to their ankles when they saw an “X” on the screen. When holding the hand of a stranger or when in the scanner with nobody around, their brains reacted to the imminent threat by lighting up the “danger” zones in the brain. But, when holding the hand of their partners, their brain’s alarm system was much less active. Strikingly, the level of threat in the brain differed according to marriage quality, with those in happy, satisfying marriages being more soothed by their partner.

As we generalize this to the real-world, it’s clear that having a supportive connection makes all the difference when faced with the myriad of changes and challenges life throws at us.

Conflict and Criticism

So what about conflict and criticism? Having a secure attachment to your partner does not make you immune to conflict. In fact, criticism from our partners can hurt far more than criticism from others. Your nervous system gets worked up and freaks out when you are criticized or rejected by a loved one, and our brains can interpret this feeling as physical pain.

When we are drawn into cycles of communicating that threaten our connection, we are impacted both within our relationship as well as individually. It’s not uncommon that we only understand our reaction to this threat from our perspective. However, in this conflict we are not alone – it’s important to remember that both individuals are hurting. Often, in spite of our best intentions, the messages we give and receive can spark anger and sadness, which ultimately threaten our sense of safety and security.

Conflict between couples is about the pain of loss of connection and a desire to connect. As Sue Johnson writes in Love Sense, “Humans need emotional connection like we need oxygen.” Successful couples realize they are scaring each other in these conversations; they slow down, tune in, help each other and soothe each other. The good news is that we can learn to shape our most important relationships so we can be there for each other in the ways that we need.

Deepening Dependence

Our partners not only profoundly affect our relationships; they profoundly affect the way we feel about ourselves. Being dependent on your partner does not mean you are inseparable or that you have to give up on aspects of your career, passions, or friends. The opposite is true! The ability to create impact and security in the world outside our relationships often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on in both the good and bad times.

Couples therapy provides a space to understand your relationship, as well as each partner individually. Couples therapy can support building awareness around what gets in the way of deepening your connection and helps to restructure new ways of connecting. For more information or to set up an appointment, please call our intake line at 630.571.5750 ext. 224 or complete our online inquiry form.