6 Takeaways for Parents: Encouraging Confidence and Self-Compassion with Teenage Daughters
Author: Dr. Alexandria Salerno
The teenage years can be tough; for the teenagers navigating this time of life and the parents doing their best to stay steady amidst the choppy waters. One of the major obstacles that teens face during this time is the development of confidence and an overall strong sense of self. Not only are teens dealing with biological and social changes, but they’re also doing their best to try and figure out how to like and be kind to themselves through it all. We can especially appreciate this difficult time for teenage girls who have countless “ideals” of how to look and act; not just in comparison to peers, but in comparison to celebrities and other social media-related content.
On top of all that inner struggle, you (the parents) may find yourselves a bit lost in the water while trying to support your teen in building confidence, self-esteem, and internal kindness and compassion. The caveat: your teenage daughter is likely not telling you much of anything aside from a few short sentences about their day. So, the question may come up, “how can I help my daughter feel confident and learn to like herself if she doesn’t even talk to me?” Luckily, there are many significant ways of supporting your daughter during these challenging years while continuing to encourage closeness and independence.
Before diving into some of the most helpful ways in supporting your daughter, I’d like to provide a brief understanding of self-compassion and its importance in child and adolescent development. Dr. Kristin Neff has pioneered research on self-compassion and has found it to include three components: mindfulness of your own thoughts and feelings, a sense of a common humanity, and treating yourself kindly (1). All which contribute to the development of resilience, emotional well-being, a strong sense of self, and healthy relationships and connections with others. Studies looking at self-compassion in adolescents found that high school-aged females reported lower levels of self-compassion in comparison to males and middle school-aged females. Much of this is being driven by self-judging attitudes, feeling more isolated, and having more difficulty maintaining a balanced perspective in the midst of challenging circumstances (2).
The good news is, healthy relationships with parents and others offer support in the development of self-compassion and the feeling of being worthy and lovable (3).
Here are 6 ways you can help foster confidence and self-compassion in your teen:
1. Sweat the small stuff and validate strong emotions
You might find yourself confused about why something seemingly small is such a BIG DEAL for your teen, which can make it difficult to empathize with her in those reactive moments. However, taking the time to listen to your daughter about what might be going on for her and providing some support around the strong feelings she’s expressing can be helpful in showing her that her feelings are important and that you care enough to hear her out. Your role doesn’t necessarily need to involve problem-solving or fixing the issue, but simply acknowledging that your daughter is feeling particularly strong emotions towards a situation and that you are taking the time to listen and hear what she’s going through in that moment.
You would be surprised to know how far a simple “That sounds really awful” or “I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so bummed today” can go. Whether she displays immediate appreciation or not, the gesture offers your daughter a reminder that you are there to listen when she needs you and that what she has to say is worth your time.
2. Keep your cool, even when her attitude is not at all cool
This particular suggestion can be a tough one; especially because it can be terribly difficult to remain calm when your teen is yelling, stomping, or slamming doors (basically a teenage tantrum) in response to some conversation between her and you. The biggest takeaway would be to try your hardest to “keep cool” in situations where you feel like you might explode. When you offer a more level-headed reaction to the brewing conflict, you are showing your daughter that you are the adult and that you are able to handle and take control of escalated situations. If tension is building, try and provide a supportive and empathetic response, including offering some space so that your daughter has a chance to cool down before resolving the issue.
This is much easier said than done, but the overall goal is to support the development of self-regulation of emotions, which will allow your teen to gradually improve her approach to managing strong emotions towards herself and others.
3. Find enjoyment in your daughter’s uniqueness
Nowadays, we are so hyper focused on academic and other performance-related achievements that we often forget to praise others for just being characteristically unique. This is especially true for teenagers in high school who have pressures to perform to their absolute best in order to get the A grade, the big win, or the college acceptance. Of course, these are important accomplishments to acknowledge, but there are other aspects of your daughter that deserve love and appreciation. Try to provide praise and enjoyment in your daughter’s characteristics (e.g. funny, kind) and abilities (e.g., managing tricky life situations) in addition to the other accomplishments. This type of delight in your teen shows her that she is worthy of your affection and attention, not just because of her academic or athletic achievements, but because she is a wonderfully unique individual.
4. Let her do her thing while still setting appropriate limits
Independence is a major desire for most teens and it can be tricky to navigate when the world seems unsafe and your daughter might not seem quite old enough to go out on her own. This is why allowing your daughter a chance at independence within thoughtful boundaries is a healthy approach to fostering confidence in taking on certain challenges by herself. When parents encourage their children to explore the world while maintaining a loving watchful eye, kids eventually learn that they have the capability of doing things independently with the knowledge that there is always someone supportive to lean on when necessary. Boundaries also provide freedom within limits and keeps the frame that you (parents) are there to keep your daughter safe even as she is off on her own teenage adventures. This can look like allowing your teen to spend an entire day with friends without an influx of questions and still expect her to be home for a set evening curfew.
5. Encourage healthy connections with friends and family
If she is not out with her friends, she is likely in her room on the phone with her friends. This can be frustrating for many reasons, but one in particular might be the lack of direct interaction between your daughter and the rest of the family. One big thing to remember is that the teenage years are all about friends and building up a strong social support system. At different times in her life, your daughter is going to need a well-established group of friends she can depend on for support. It’s important to encourage her development of friendships and give her space to explore all types of interpersonal situations. Not only is she learning social problem-solving, she is also learning how to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
As her parent, you can also model healthy relationships at home and with others as an indirect way of teaching about supportive connections. It’s also perfectly wonderful and okay for you to want to spend quality time with your daughter. Find ways of squeezing in family time in whatever way seems to work best for her and everyone in the house (e.g., weekly family dinner, game night, television show before bed, vacations, running errands, etc). This way, your daughter will begin to recognize that her friends and family are part of her support network.
6. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion
Lead by example. The more you display confidence, kindness, and compassion towards yourself and others, the more likely it is that your daughter will want to embody those characteristics as well. Additionally, if you foster these qualities in yourself, it’s likely that you’ll have a better understanding of how to encourage the same in your daughter. Parenting is hard work, you deserve to care for yourself the same way you care for your family.
These takeaways are just a few approaches when considering how to support your daughter in developing into the unique, independent, connected, kind, and compassionate person you hope she will become. The stronger her relationships are with you and others, the more likely it is that she will begin to feel confident and self-compassionate while navigating the world.
For more information about self-compassion and Dr. Kristin Neff, click here: https://self-compassion.org/. For ways that Shared Vision can help, please check out our Parent Consultation services here.
