3 Important Messages for Parents of Gender-Diverse* Adolescents
Author: Dr. Priscilla Butler
* A gender-diverse individual may be transgender, or may also be described as gender non-conforming, gender expansive, non-binary, gender creative, genderqueer, or gender variant.
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Any story of gender variance or transition is, of course, about the person affirming their own identity. But there’s also a profound period of questioning and transition necessary for the parents/caretaker/loved ones of these individuals. Add adolescence to the mix, and things can feel pretty chaotic!
For most parents, learning that a child is questioning their gender identity or coming out as transgender, nonbinary, or genderqueer is far from a philosophical moment related to civil rights or identity politics. Even if not entirely a surprise, it’s generally confusing and often painful – as is any challenge to what was previously held as a fundamental given. Parents describe suddenly finding themselves in a place where nothing at all is reliable or fully known. Even one’s most cherished moments in life are subject to retrospective transformation.
But I was there; you’re changing my history, parents insist, referring to their child’s prenatal gender reveal, their birth, or adoption day… recalling that private, precious moment of instant, profound recognition of their son or daughter. When a child asserts a divergent gender identity, many parents experience an automatic, surreal shock to the core: My entire relationship with my child has been wrong?? One mother described the unique sense of loss she felt as essentially being told her most precious memories in life were misguided, mis-attuned… not the deeply profound shared experiences she had felt.
Of course, on the other side of that parental moment there is a teenager asserting a true, felt aspect of self they’re revealing with trepidation, feeling vulnerable and yearning to be seen and accepted. There’s an inevitable rupture in this moment, and it requires both parents and child to work through the resulting sense of grief – together and separately – no matter how superficial or deep that breach is.
You Matter
It may sound like a dramatic overstatement, but statistics tell us how realistic it is to suggest that when parents bypass their own journey toward authentic understanding and acceptance of a child’s gender experience and presentation, they risk losing their trans and gender-variant kids altogether – through emotional and social cutoff or literally, to suicide.
Even if you’re having trouble “getting” your teen’s identity or feelings, no matter how worried or confused you may feel, despite how much your child’s behavior and words may say otherwise… please don’t lose sight of this: you remain their most important support. Secure attachment and resilience develop in children who feel valued for who they are, and in adolescence they experience an urgency to TELL you who that is. Feeling loved without condition is critical to overall health and development, regardless of gender or other areas of identity.
Below are a few things to think about, perhaps on your own journey as a parent of a gender-creative child. I encourage all parents of adolescents to think and feel your way through some of these issues. How you would love your child through such a fundamentally disruptive moment?
Three Basic Messages
Most experts consider the best response to your adolescent’s exploration of a transgender or creative gender identity to integrate medical, mental health, and social service supports. Specific resources for parents and families is a crucial piece of this. And in all of areas of support, three key messages are crucial (and are expanded on below):
- Neither transgender identity nor diverse gender expression constitute a mental disorder.
- Variations in gender identity and expression are normal aspects of human diversity. Binary definitions of gender do not always reflect emerging gender identities.
- Gender identity evolves as an interplay of biology, psychological development, socialization, and culture.
1. It is not a mental health problem.
There needs to be much more research, but let’s trust what there’s been to date: adolescents seeking gender-affirming treatment have been found to have healthy psychological functioning. Statistics tell us that slight elevations in anxiety, mood, and behavioral problems are seen in some gender diverse and transgender youth as compared with cisgender peers, but this incidence has been attributed to a host of negative external factors rather than gender diversity in and of itself. What sort of negative factors? It’s not pretty: peer bullying & social harassment; family distress & parental rejection; trauma & abuse history; lack of financial support, leading to inadequate housing & legal problems.
Co-occurring psychiatric problems do exist, but if there’s a mental health issue it most often stems from stigma and negative experiences rather than being intrinsic to the child. In 2012, the American Psychiatric Association summarized this key fact in this way:
Being transgender or gender variant implies no impairment in judgment, stability, reliability, or general social or vocational capabilities; however, these individuals often experience discrimination due to a lack of civil rights protections for their gender identity or expression.… [Such] discrimination and lack of equal civil rights is damaging to the mental health of transgender and gender variant individuals.
Supportive psychotherapy and medical gender affirmation treatment have been shown to reduce behavioral and emotional symptoms. Research suggests that family support and a sense of a positive future are resilience factors that protect against negative health and psychosocial outcomes.
2. Variation is normal.
There’s no single trajectory towards adult gender identity. Transgender and gender expansive people belong to every sociocultural identity group (race, social class, religion, age, ethnicity, disability, etc.). There is no universal or correct way to look or to express gender. This is not a new phenomenon. Evidence of gender diversity and forms of transgender identity is seen throughout history. As social acceptance continues to grow, will we likely see an increase in the number of people asserting a trans, nonbinary, or gender-nonconforming identity; with the expansion of understanding and support, more people come out.
3. It likely isn’t just a phase.
While many trans youth express gender dysphoria from childhood, others identify struggles for the first time around the onset of puberty. Still others never report dysphoric feelings at all. However, many gender-nonconforming teens and adults say, in retrospect, that they began to sense something “different” about themselves early in life. Sometimes this goes as far back as preschool.
By adolescence, a person’s internal sense of gender identity is highly resistant to any type of intervention. Attempts to force a child to change their behavior to fit social norms can stifle their development into healthy adults, and can be traumatizing.
Research is clear that most young people who identify as transgender as teens don’t later change that identification. This doesn’t necessarily mean they want medical intervention, or that every teen who asks for puberty blockers and cross-gender hormones should be recommended for medical intervention. The vital task here is to honor your adolescent’s affirmed gender while supporting their exploration of what that means for them (and completing your own exploration).
There’s a Wealth of Information and Support Available to You:
- American Psychological Association (APA) Office on Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity Programs and Projects: https://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/programs/transgender
- Children’s National Medical Center: http://www.childrensnational.org/gendervariance
- Family Acceptance Project: http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/
- FTM International: http://www.ftmi.org/
- Gender Spectrum: http://www.genderspectrum.org/
- Healthy Teen Network: http://www.HealthyTeenNetwork.org
- Human Rights Campaign: https://www.hrc.org/explore/topic/transgender-children-youth ; https://www.hrc.org/resources/transgender-children-and-youth-finding-support-for-you-and-your-family
- National Center for Transgender Equality: http://transequality.org/
Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) Transgender Network: http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=380- Silvia Rivera Law Project: http://www.srlp.org/
- Transgender Law Center: http://www.transgenderlawcenter.org/
- TransYouth Family Allies: http://imatyfa.org/
- World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH): http://www.wpath.org/
